Time Compressed Tamora Pierce
by Arsahi
Summary: Tamora Pierce's quartets in 450 words or less!
1. Song of the Lioness

Hi! This is my parody fic. The goal in each of these is to present to those without the time to read the quartet with the squashed version in 450 words or less.  
  
So, in the spirit of Squashed Mercedes Lackey by Abbykat, I present you with....  


Time-Compressed Tamora Pierce

  
  
**First quartet: Song of the Lioness**  
  
_(Updated 09-08-02: I made some corrections on it that people pointed out for me. Thank you, all 20+ of you that have already commented!)_  
  


Alanna, The First Adventure

  
  
**Alanna**: I want to be a lady knight. Thom, let's switch places.  
  
**Thom**: Okay.  
  
**Alanna** and **Coram** go to the palace.  
  
**Ralon**: Pig.  
  
**Alanna**: You suck.  
  
**Alanna** kicks Ralon's ass.  
  
**Jonathan**: You're kinda cool, Alan.  
  
**Jonathan** and **Alanna** become friends. **Alanna** heals him from the Sweating Sickness.  
  
**Jonathan**: Hi Uncle Roger.  
  
**Roger**: Hi Cousin. I'm evil, but only Alan knows.  
  
**Alanna**: I hate you.  
  
**Roger**: I hate you.  
  
**Jonathan**, **Alanna**, and the squires go to Persopolis.  
  
**Jonathan**: Because Uncle Roger hypnotized me, I'm going to the Black City.  
  
**Alanna**: I'll go with you.  
  
**Alanna** and **Jonathan** meet the Ysandir in the Black City.  
  
**Ysandir person**: Alan's a girl.  
  
**Jonathan**: You don't say.  
  
**Jonathan** and **Alanna** beat the Ysandir.  
  
**Jonathan**: Be my squire.  
  
**Alanna**: Okay.  
  


In the Hand of the Goddess

  
  
**Alanna**: Here kitty, kitty, kitty...  
  
**The Great Mother Goddess** talks to **Alanna** and gives her a tool to see magic with and a cat.  
  
**Alanna**: Hey thanks.  
  
**Faithful**: Hey, I can talk to you.  
  
**Alanna**: Cool. But we have to go to war now.  
  
Tortall fights a war over the River Drell. **Alanna** gets captured.  
  
**Alanna**: Damn.  
  
**Jonathan** and others save her.  
  
**Alanna**: Yay!  
  
Tortall wins the war. **Alanna** and **Jonathan** get cozy after **Alanna** goes to **George's mother** to learn to be a girl.  
  
**Jonathan**: I love you Alanna.  
  
**Alanna**: Awww. _*waits until Jon falls asleep*_ I love you too.  
  
**Alanna** becomes a knight.  
  
**Alanna**: Duke Roger's trying to kill the Queen. Die, bastard!  
  
**Roger**: Ow. _*dies*_  
  
**Alanna**: Ow.  
  
**Alanna** and **Coram** leave the palace.  
  


The Woman Who Rides Like a Man

  
  
**Alanna** and **Coram** go to the desert and are captured by Bazhir.  
  
**Alanna**: Uh oh.  
  
**Bazhir dude**: Be our shaman and teach these kids 'cause the other one was crazy.  
  
**Alanna**: Okay.  
  
**Jonathan** comes to visit. **Alanna** gets laid.  
  
**Jonathan**: Marry me.  
  
**Alanna**: No, you sick bastard.  
  


Lioness Rampant

  
  
**Alanna** finds the Dominion Jewel.  
  
**Alanna**: Hey, cool.  
  
**Alanna** goes to **George's** place and gets laid by him.  
  
**Alanna**: I don't like you but I'm doing this to make Jon jealous.  
  
**Alanna** meets **Liam**.  
  
**Liam**: Ooooh I like you.  
  
**Alanna**: I like you too.  
  
_Smooch!_  
  
**Alanna**: Die, Josianne! You killed my cat! And my brother's dead! DIE BITCH!  
  
**Josianne** dies.  
  
**Liam** dies.  
  
**Alanna**: Crap.  
  
**Roger's** back.  
  
**Alanna**: Crap! _*kills Roger again*_  
  
**Jonathan** and **Thayet**, who **Alanna** saved, fall in love.  
  
**Alanna**: CRAP!  
  
**George** visits **Alanna** in the desert.  
  
**Alanna**: Hey, I think I kinda like you.  
  
**George**: Cool. Let's get married.  
  
**Alanna**: 'Kay.  



	2. The Immortals

In the spirit of Squashed Mercedes Lackey by Abbykat, I present you with....  


Time-Compressed Tamora Pierce

  
  
**Second quartet: The Immortals**  
  
_(Updated 09-08-02: I just corrected a couple of things.)_  
  


Wild Magic

  
**Daine**: Hi. Give me a job.  
  
**Onoua**: Okay. Take these horses to the palace with me.  
  
**Daine** and **Onoua** are attacked by Stormwings.  
  
**Onoua**: Crap.  
  
**Alanna**, **Numair** and someone else arrives.  
  
**Alanna**: Daine, this is Numair.  
  
**Numair**: Squawk.  
  
**Daine** makes **Numair** unhawkish.  
  
**Numair**: Hey thanks. I think you have Wild Magic so I'm gonna teach you about animals.  
  
**Daine**: Cool.  
  
Someone sends Immortals to attack Pirate's Swoop.  
  
**Daine**: Hey look, a dragon.  
  
The **Dragon** dies.  
  
**Readers**: Hey!  
  
**Daine** finds a baby dragon.  
  
**Daine**: It's a...baby dragon.  
  
**Numair**: Cool.  
  


Wolf-Speaker

  
  
**Daine**: Hey look, it's my old friends the wolves.  
  
**Wolves**: Help us Daine.  
  
**Daine**: Okay.  
  
**Daine** figures out how to become a wolf and kicks ass.  
  
**Numair** turns someone into a tree.  
  
**Numair**: We kick ass.  
  


Emperor-Mage

  
  
**Daine**: We're on a ship.  
  
**Daine**, **Numair**, **Alanna**, and **both Gareths** go to Carthak.  
  
**Daine** heals the Emperor's birds.  
  
**Daine**: Hey I can raise the animal dead.  
  
**Daine** makes dead dinosaurs come to life. The Emperor becomes a Stormwing.  
  


The Realms of the Gods

  
  
**Daine** and **Numair** get trapped in the realms of the gods.  
  
**Daine**: I love you.  
  
**Numair**: I love you too but you're only in love with me because I'm older.  
  
**Daine**: Jerk. I do too love you.  
  
_Smooch!_  
  
**Numair**: Okay. Let's go to the Dragonlands now.  
  
**Daine** and **Numair** get some dragons to take them back.  
  
Tortall wins the war against the Immortals.  
  
**Daine**: Die, bastard!  
  
**Daine** kills the former Carthaki emperor.  
  
**Numair**: Cool. 


	3. Protector of the Small

Hey! Look! It's part three!  


Time-Compressed Tamora Pierce

  
  
**Third quartet: Protector of the Small**  
  


First Test

  
  
**Kel**: I wanna be a knight.  
  
**Jon**: Because we're sexist pigs and Wyldon says so, you have to be on probation for a year.  
  
**Kel**: ...That sucks.  
  
**Jon**: And Alanna can't help you.  
  
**Alanna**: _*plugs ears*_ La-la-la-la-la-la, I can't hear you!  
  
**Kel** goes to Corus.  
  
**Kel** meets **Joren**.  
  
**Joren**: Hi, I'm a prick.  
  
**Kel**: Good for you.  
  
**Neal**: Hey, foxy lady. I'm Neal. I'm old.  
  
**Kel**: Yo.  
  
**Wyldon**: You're a girl.  
  
**Kel**: You don't say.  
  
**Kel's** room gets trashed.  
  
**Kel**: Suxxor!  
  
**Kel** gets in a fight with **Joren** and company.  
  
**Joren**: Ow.  
  
**Kel** gets a horse.  
  
**Peachblossom**: Neigh. _*bites Neal*_  
  
**Kel** gets a gift.  
  
**Kel** goes on a trip with the others.  
  
**Kel**: Hey, my sparrows found some spidrens.  
  
**Raoul** and company kill the spidrens.  
  
**Raoul**: Cool sparrows.  
  
**Kel**: Thanks.  
  
**Kel** stays for her pageship.  
  


Page

  
  
**Kel**: I'm cool.  
  
**Kel** gets a dog.  
  
**Jump**: Woof. _*bites someone*_  
  
**Neal**: Joren's pretty. He gets laid by Garvey.  
  
**Joren**: Bastard!  
  
_POW!_  
  
The horses break up the fight.  
  
**Kel** meets **Lalasa**.  
  
**Lalasa**: I make dresses!  
  
**Kel**: You also make my bed.  
  
**Kel** and the others go on another trip.  
  
**Kel**: Bandits! Hell yeah!  
  
**Kel** and the others detain the bandits.  
  
**Kel** gets stuck on a cliff.  
  
**Kel** gets off a cliff.  
  
**Cleon**: I like you!  
  
**Kel**: ...Huh? I like Neal!  
  
**Joren**: I'm lying when I say I want to be friends.  
  
**Kel**: I'm lying when I agree.  
  
**Joren**: I put your maid up on the tower so you'd fail your test.  
  
**Kel**: I'm gonna sue you.  
  


Squire

  
  
**Kel** is **Raoul's** squire.  
  
**Kel** sues **Joren**.  
  
**Kel** goes out with **Cleon**.  
  
**Kel**: I kick ass at jousting.  
  
**Kel** fights metal monsters.  
  
**Dom**: I'm Neal's cousin.  
  
**Kel**: I like you more than Neal.  
  
**Kel** takes the Ordeal.  
  
**Chamber**: Find this asshole and kill 'em, hm?  
  


Lady Knight

  
  
**Cleon**: Kel, I'm gettin' hitched.  
  
**Kel**: Right on.  
  
**Wyldon**: I'm putting you in charge of Haven.  
  
**Kel**: Damn.  
  
**Kel** whacks some things.  
  
**Kel's** people get kidnapped.  
  
**Kel**: I'm going after them.  
  
**Neal**: Me too! So're your other friends!  
  
**Kel**: No! Oh well.  
  
**Kel** goes to a castle.  
  
**Kel**: Die, Blayce, you bastard.  
  
**Blayce** dies.  
  
**Blayce**: I'm melting, I'm melting...  
  
**Raoul** gets hitched to **Buri**.  
  
**Raoul**: Score. 


	4. Circle of Magic

Hey! It's PART FOUR! (Also, I think I got the order the kids were found mixed up. But does it really matter? They all end up the same place anyway.)  


Time-Compressed Tamora Pierce

  
  
**Fourth quartet: Circle of Magic**  
  


Sandry's Book

  
  
**Sandry**: IT GLOWS!  
  
**Sandry** gets out of a dark room with **Niko's** help.  
  
**Daja**: Nobody knows the trouble I've seen, nobody knows my sorrow...  
  
**Daja** is declared an outcast by the Traders and adopted by **Niko**.  
  
**Tris**: Feel my wrath, puny mortals!  
  
**Lightning**: _*crack!*_  
  
**Niko** takes **Tris** some place safe.  
  
**Briar**: Yo. I'm Roach and I'm on death row.  
  
**Niko** takes **Briar** away.  
  
**Niko**: Rosethorn, Lark, these kids have magic. Teach 'em.  
  
**Lark**: Sure thing, Niko!  
  
**Sandry** has thread magic, **Tris** has weather, **Daja** has smithing, and **Briar** has plants.  
  
The kids learn to meditate.  
  
**Briar**: Ohmmm...  
  
The kids gets stuck in a earthquake!  
  
**Earth**: _*quakes*_  
  
**Sandry**: Let's spin our magic together and scare everyone half to death!  
  
**Daja**: Okay!  
  


Tris's Book

  
  
**Tris's cousin**: Yo ho ho ho and bottle of rum!  
  
**Briar**: ...Idiot.  
  
**Tris** drops a cannonball on a pirate ship.  
  
**Niko** teaches **Tris**, along with the other three, how to see magic.  
  
The kids defeat the pirates.  
  


Daja's Book

  
  
**Daja**: We're out in the middle of nowhere.  
  
**Trader**: I like your stuff but I can't barter with you 'cause you're evil and an outcast.  
  
**Daja**: Suxxor.  
  
**Sandry**: I have to untangle our magics!  
  
**Tris**: Bah humbug.  
  
A forest fire starts.  
  
**Fire**: Roar.  
  
**Daja** stops the fire.  
  


Briar's Book

  
  
**Rosethorn**: There's a plague a-comin'!  
  
**Briar**: Damn.  
  
**Rosethorn** gets sick.  
  
**Rosethorn**: I'm dead.  
  
**Briar**: Nuh-uh.  
  
**Briar** saves her with the others' help. 


End file.
